Over the past week, and in light of yet another one of your bloody hissy fits over the burning of some Qurans—which, before they were ever burned, were violated by Taliban prisoners who had written in them—we’ve come to this realization: It’s time for us to leave. Really, we’re done. This just isn’t going anywhere. You’re just never going to grow up. You have your way of doing things and we have ours. We love freedom, you love oppression. We believe in the peaceful exercising of religion, you like making anyone who doesn’t follow your brand of Islam your eternal and mortal enemy. We believe that even though people may be different, they can still peacefully coexist. You? You like stoning/beheading women, gays and apostates in town squares and throwing acid in the faces of school children. We’re just two separate and very different people, obviously. And that’s putting it mildly.
We’re sorry that it’s ending this way. We tried to help, we really did. We tried to get you to listen, but you just weren’t interested. And while we’d like to say it’s really all our fault, that just isn’t true. It’s yours. We tried to work with you, to help you be prosperous, to free you of oppressive and bloodthirsty bosses and to clear a path toward a peaceable existence with each other and the rest of the world. And your response? A disinterested, unappreciative effort.
Maybe it is our fault. Maybe we were blinded by optimism that we could change you, clean you up and turn you into a real country, like Germany and Japan and dozens of others. We were wrong. You’re not ready for that—and thanks mostly to your backwards-ass, violent and intolerant teachings, you may never be. For the love of Allah, you get more riled up over a damn book than you do over fighting for your own freedom.
God, we feel like we’ve wasted 11 years with you! We hate saying that, we really do. We lost too many good men and women to even think that, and it’s not in our nature to just give up on people. There must be something positive we can take away, something we can learn, but we can’t see it right now because you sucked all the hope out of us, left our credit in shambles and our souls exhausted and driven to madness with your garbage.
So that’s it. Like Russians did, we’re leaving. Done. Finito. We’re taking out every last troop, and withdrawing every last dime. We’ll leave nothing behind. Not the couch, not the TV, not food, not medicine, not trucks, not diplomats, not ambassadors, not contractors and certainly not weapons. Tell the children we’re sorry, but we just can’t take it anymore.
Oh, by the way, the next time we suffer an attack and find that it was based in Afghanistan, we will fucking flatten your Godforsaken, pile of shit country and make uninhabitable for next 10,000 years and not think twice about it. Seriously.
The United States of America
P.S. The door and mailbox keys are on the counter. Feed the cat.